today at 03:59.
"We only got room for 700, so all I’m gonna say is this: get it done."
Sessions Drops Pile Of Weapons In Prison Yard Before Ordering Inmates To Reduce Overcrowding By 30%
403 likes - 33 comments
today at 03:59
I know you're The Onion, but this wouldn't surprise me
today at 04:01
Bonus: then they can re-charge all the winners with murder 2 and keep them in for life - pure profit for Big Prison!
Morgan Lee Athey
today at 04:05
I didn't think that this was satire. I thought this was CNN or something.
today at 02:56.
"We’ve concluded that those investing their time, money, and energy into expeditions to retrieve rumored stores of Nazi gold are better situated for long-term financial security than the vast majority of middle-aged Americans."
Report: Nazi Treasure Hunters Following More Realistic Retirement Plan Than 86% Of Country
1812 likes - 75 comments
today at 03:04
The bad news is that most Americans won't be able to afford to retire. The good news is our healthcare system won't let most people make it to retirement...
today at 03:12
Glad to see someone is a actually working for their own retirement rather than expecting a social security check from the government. Damn lazy socialists parasites!
today at 05:45
Well, now those lousy millenials who can't save up for retirement because they want to eat avocado toast can thank the Nazis for all the treasure they left behind.
today at 01:53.
"Your baby’s pinpoint stance is exactly where you want it to be at 24 weeks."
OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule
464 likes - 25 comments
Adam Cory Fields
today at 02:28
Ultrasound reveals fraternal twins....or as she calls them, "mixed doubles"
Feelings of life
today at 02:29
I learned that who doesn’t look for you, doesn’t miss you and who doesn’t miss you doesn’t care for you… that destiny determines who enters your life but you decide who stays… that the truth hurts only once and a lie every time you remember it. There are three things in life that leave and never return: words, time and opportunities… therefore, value whoever values you and don’t treat as a priority whoever treats you as an option.
Tara A. Huber
today at 02:09
The world judges embryo for it's body type before it's even born.
today at 00:50.
"With my background and skills, I believe I am a natural fit for a role in your movie."
I Believe My Experience Working On Films Such As ‘Seven,’ ‘Ocean’s Eleven,’ and ‘World War Z’ Would Make Me A Valuable Asset To Your Next Action Movie
299 likes - 28 comments
today at 01:05
Sorry, bud, your work is decent, I guess. You might've been able to make it in the Hollywood little league, but they just don't have the standards that I have for my student film.
today at 00:51
I was looking for someone that the women would consider handsome, however. Sorry, bro! :(
Tara A. Huber
today at 02:13
Not until we get you on the casting couch buddy. How badly do you want the part?
yesterday at 23:47.
"There were some people who worried we might not ever see him again, but I never doubted this day would come, not for one minute."
Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan
247 likes - 19 comments
yesterday at 23:56
Local solider buys 2018 Ford Mustang at 35% interest. "It was the deal of a lifetime" he explains.
today at 00:08
"No Onion, no! Not the soldiers....not the troops! too far...jus, jus TOO FAR!"
yesterday at 23:56
Afghanistan just has such a down home war-y feel to it
yesterday at 22:44.
"There could be a revolving door made out of peppermint swirl, and then you walk in, and there’s a giant lobby with chocolate fountains, peanut brittle columns, and beautiful rock candy chandeliers."
Trump Accidentally Records Over Comey Meeting Tape With Idea For Candy Hotel
479 likes - 29 comments
yesterday at 22:51
But for some reason, Trump Candy Hotel will be built using only white chocolate. If you develop diabetes from nibbling on the walls too much, that definitely won't be covered by Trumpcare.
yesterday at 23:18
this is just the greatest lover of america this country has ever had. We are all so lucky to have him serve our country and citizens. And I'd love yo stay at this candy adventure you've dreamed up. Sweet
Lisa Colucci Voutt
yesterday at 22:50
As funny as these jokes continue to be- it's such a pathetic state of affairs. Trump is absolute bonkers.
yesterday at 21:41.
The Onion - America's Finest News Source
Despondent Sean Spicer Returned To Locked Kitchen Cupboard Following Press Briefing
393 likes - 20 comments
yesterday at 21:55
With his new job in charge of Ornamental Shrubbery and Bushes on the White House grounds, I suppose hiding in the bushes would only make his new job more difficult on Monday morning
yesterday at 21:42
Why is he despondent? Shouldn't have resigned himself to his role by now? I CALL BULLSHIT
Sarah Blaskey Kapp
yesterday at 22:33
He's only slightly less despondent than the expired can of refried beans.
yesterday at 20:38.
How America Can Become Less Divided By Increasing The Number Of Murals Of People Holding Hands
How America Can Become Less Divided By Increasing The Number O...
332 likes - 30 comments
yesterday at 20:42
How Americans can ease the anxiety of modern existence by increasing the number of framed Live Laugh Love collages from Bed Bath and Beyond in the front hallway of their homes.
yesterday at 20:41
I haven't seen a bumper sticker with symbols of the major religions spelling out COEXIST in weeks, which probably explains my recent refusal to allow others to exist co-ly.
yesterday at 21:01
Just increase the level of representation back to the constitutional level of 1 representative for every 30,000 persons, that will end party control and make people have to work together for the good of the people not the elite.
yesterday at 19:35.
"Oh my God—the Harvard Glee Club, the Eagles, Al Jolson—what the hell were we thinking?"
Embarrassed Library Of Congress Can’t Believe Some Of The Albums It Used To Be Into
169 likes - 11 comments
yesterday at 19:38
Out-of-work parody tribute singers release record under the name "Weird Al Bums."
yesterday at 20:39
You be you, Library of Congress. Don't listen to the haters.
yesterday at 22:36
What kind of asshole would be embarrassed by enjoying "We're Only In It For The Money" or Jimmie Rodgers?
yesterday at 18:32.
"There was Amy’s wedding last week, Tara’s the week before, and Eric’s before that, and I’m just about to head out to my friend Sam’s rehearsal dinner tonight."
29-Year-Old Has Been Going To Different Friend's Wedding Every Weekend For Past 3 Years
2310 likes - 323 comments
yesterday at 18:38
39-Year-Old Man will be the designated driver for a different divorced friend every weekend for the next 5 years.
yesterday at 18:34
This 29-year-old has been striking out with a different bridesmaid at a different friend's wedding every weekend for the past 3 years.
yesterday at 19:10
32... baby showers, 36... another bowling alley birthday on a perfect July day?
Take my advice: give it all up and go paragliding, go on that Himalayan trek, never buy a house, chuck all of it, for the love of all that is holy.
said too much...
yesterday at 17:29.
The Onion - America's Finest News Source
Still Too Early To Tell If Pulling Chain Turned Overhead Fan Off
2206 likes - 86 comments
yesterday at 17:49
Breaking update: Man tests to see if fan is off by sticking hand between blades to try and stop from spinning.
yesterday at 17:29
You know, I'm starting to think that the Onion is just yanking our chain with these stories.
yesterday at 20:24
Area dumb fuck completely fucking clueless that extra remote that's been lying around is for chain puzzle fan... doesn't matter, he put the batteries in backwards...
yesterday at 16:26.
“You apply it, and it makes your skin good. It costs $34.95.”
New Skin Cream To Do Something
747 likes - 91 comments
yesterday at 16:28
Olay emergency whitey cream to turn black people into Caucasians in case their vehicle is stopped by the cops.
yesterday at 22:35
Gwyneth Paltrow uses the kind that comes from Rome. Or Morocco. One of those places. You can buy some on her website for $399.00. Shipping is extra. It's very balancing and it has a lot of synergy. Also, it's curated and artisanal.
yesterday at 16:35
Lady at Macy's smears this stuff on random people for free when they walk near the cosmetics Dept
yesterday at 15:23.
"At approximately 0700 hours today, 100 units of our finest mosquitoes were dispatched to augment the 20,000,000 already positioned across the country as part of our large-scale summer offensive."
God Deploys 100,000 More Mosquitoes To U.S.
304 likes - 17 comments
Karen Colleen Agena
yesterday at 15:24
"The Lord also announced plans to ramp up His use of biological warfare, as thousands of the newly stationed mosquitoes had been equipped with pathogens carrying malaria, West Nile, and the Zika virus."
We kind of deserve this though, no? 🍃
yesterday at 15:24
Well it's about fucking time God had a troop surge.
I'm sure this is in response to the latest offensive on the manbun-romper front of the great vape wars
yesterday at 15:27
When you pray for the return of Christ on Earth and get 100,000 mosquitoes instead. Sounds like what we deserve.
yesterday at 14:20.
This Stool Shall Pass
47 likes - 1 comments
yesterday at 14:22
This REALLY needed a crying Lady Liberty in the stall with him for moral support.
yesterday at 13:17.
"Flying in the face of conventional wisdom, our results clearly show no lasting positive impact on overall health."
New Study Finds No Long-Term Health Benefits
214 likes - 16 comments
yesterday at 13:20
Coral, and show your guardians work as a team to keep beautiful and report toxins, have think about who would they select why and monitor but not crowd performance to keep beautiful
Beth Cannon Musick
yesterday at 14:08
That's what I've been saying all along. Don't waste your time and money.
yesterday at 13:26
Keri true, right? Drink the diet coke! Eat the red meat!
yesterday at 03:11.
Homesick Kid On Sleepover Needs To Just Tough It The Fuck Out
3838 likes - 335 comments
yesterday at 03:16
Homesick kid probably really sick of the smell of cat piss and cigarettes and wants to go home where the parents don't fight and they feed the guests.
yesterday at 03:14
They'll draw a bunch of dicks on his face when he goes to sleep first
yesterday at 03:22
Homesick kid being a real fucking letdown in the euphoric experience that is multiplayer Mario Kart 8 Rainbow Road.
yesterday at 02:20.
230 likes - 33 comments
yesterday at 03:52
Yes. Just poison it and give a little piece to each starving person. BAM! Problem solved! I have solutions. Maybe they're "meh." But they're solutions.
yesterday at 02:45
Except all bigger mars peacocks are allergic to corn. Failure, clickhole, is hardly original.
yesterday at 02:34
Gorilla smoking a cigarette? Otherwise makes sense
yesterday at 01:29.
“And why is there a collage in the margins that has baby pictures of her and drawings of flowers? Seriously, should I be worried about his?”
Keira Knightley Answers Fan Letter Way Too Quickly
763 likes - 46 comments
yesterday at 01:31
The FedEx guy at his door was thin with delicate features and a strong jawline. And he casually asked Mr. Hayes if he was single.
Mark F. Crist
yesterday at 01:35
I had a friend who saw a commercial with Stevie Nicks in it. He said he "do" her in a minute. Then he thought about it and decided that if she would "do" him in a minute then it probably wasn't worth it.
Derek W. Ruttle
yesterday at 02:30
"The Onion editors were knocked down the proverbial peg this evening after several loyal readers noticed a missing letter that impacts the humor of their post."
06/23/2017 at 23:47.
Via our in-house creative studio, Onion Labs:
On an all new "Your World with Luther North" we learn about The Paul Effect.
23 likes - 2 comments
Jeannie Lynn Sinyard
yesterday at 01:15
This website is just horrible...making up crap is just disgusting
yesterday at 13:58
Paul Rivas Monica Munoz Laura Munoz Shawnn Ragsdale
06/23/2017 at 22:56.
"The day it finally left a huge dent in the side panel of another vehicle and just tore out of the parking lot in under three seconds, that’s when we knew we were onto something."
Engineers Unveil New Driverless Car Capable Of Committing Hit-And-Run
6790 likes - 284 comments
06/23/2017 at 23:00
Finally, I can perform bank robberies and/or drive by shootings by myself. I no longer need to rely on an amateur get-away driver.
yesterday at 00:20
I'm looking forward to the updated algorithm, where the car complains incessantly, for weeks, about having to go to 'fucking court for some stupid bullshit that isn't even my fault.'
06/23/2017 at 22:57
but it can't flip me the bird after, now can it?