The Onion
The Onion
today at 03:59. Facebook
"We only got room for 700, so all I’m gonna say is this: get it done."
"We only got room for 700 so all I’m gonna say is this: get it done"

Sessions Drops Pile Of Weapons In Prison Yard Before Ordering Inmates To Reduce Overcrowding By 30%

trib.al
John Arndt
Tyler Meine
Morgan Lee Athey
The Onion
The Onion
today at 02:56. Facebook
"We’ve concluded that those investing their time, money, and energy into expeditions to retrieve rumored stores of Nazi gold are better situated for long-term financial security than the vast majority of middle-aged Americans."
Weve concluded that those investing their time money and energy into expeditions

Report: Nazi Treasure Hunters Following More Realistic Retirement Plan Than 86% Of Country

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Adam Kosofsky
Nick Mc
David Lalonde
The Onion
The Onion
today at 01:53. Facebook
"Your baby’s pinpoint stance is exactly where you want it to be at 24 weeks."
"Your baby’s pinpoint stance is exactly where you want it to be at 24 weeks"

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

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Adam Cory Fields
Feelings of life
Tara A. Huber
The Onion
The Onion
today at 00:50. Facebook
Collin Brashear
Adrian Jawort
Tara A. Huber
The Onion
The Onion
yesterday at 23:47. Facebook
"There were some people who worried we might not ever see him again, but I never doubted this day would come, not for one minute."
There were some people who worried we might not ever see him

Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

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Winston Taylor
Joe Bartek
Bizaro Mark
The Onion
The Onion
yesterday at 22:44. Facebook
"There could be a revolving door made out of peppermint swirl, and then you walk in, and there’s a giant lobby with chocolate fountains, peanut brittle columns, and beautiful rock candy chandeliers."
There could be a revolving door made out of peppermint swirl and

Trump Accidentally Records Over Comey Meeting Tape With Idea For Candy Hotel

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Richard Pinney
Sid Tirk
Lisa Colucci Voutt
The Onion
The Onion
yesterday at 21:41. Facebook
Susan Duffy
Joseph Middlebrook
Sarah Blaskey Kapp
The Onion
The Onion
yesterday at 20:38. Facebook
How America Can Become Less Divided By Increasing The Number Of Murals Of People Holding Hands
Scott Fernelius
Ron Blair
Darrell Eldridge
The Onion
The Onion
yesterday at 19:35. Facebook
"Oh my God—the Harvard Glee Club, the Eagles, Al Jolson—what the hell were we thinking?"
"Oh my God—the Harvard Glee Club the Eagles Al Jolson—what the hell were we thinking"

Embarrassed Library Of Congress Can’t Believe Some Of The Albums It Used To Be Into

trib.al
Derek Rodrigues
Bizaro Mark
Kyle Neuer
The Onion
The Onion
yesterday at 18:32. Facebook
"There was Amy’s wedding last week, Tara’s the week before, and Eric’s before that, and I’m just about to head out to my friend Sam’s rehearsal dinner tonight."
There was Amys wedding last week Taras the week before and Erics

29-Year-Old Has Been Going To Different Friend's Wedding Every Weekend For Past 3 Years

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Cameron Macdonald
Jessica Milly
Tom Bishop
The Onion
The Onion
yesterday at 17:29. Facebook
Jake Haddix
Richard Pinney
Robert Morales
The Onion
The Onion
yesterday at 16:26. Facebook
“You apply it, and it makes your skin good. It costs $34.95.”
“You apply it and it makes your skin good It costs 3495”

New Skin Cream To Do Something

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Jyotirmoy Sircar
Carol Pearsall
Ken Gioeli
The Onion
The Onion
yesterday at 15:23. Facebook
"At approximately 0700 hours today, 100 units of our finest mosquitoes were dispatched to augment the 20,000,000 already positioned across the country as part of our large-scale summer offensive."
At approximately 0700 hours today 100 units of our finest mosquitoes were

God Deploys 100,000 More Mosquitoes To U.S.

trib.al
Karen Colleen Agena
James Hovey
Doug Chase
The Onion
The Onion
yesterday at 14:20. Facebook
Richard Beal
The Onion
The Onion
yesterday at 13:17. Facebook
"Flying in the face of conventional wisdom, our results clearly show no lasting positive impact on overall health."
Flying in the face of conventional wisdom our results clearly show no

New Study Finds No Long-Term Health Benefits

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Rachel Pietrykowski
Beth Cannon Musick
Tamsyn Singh
The Onion
The Onion
yesterday at 03:11. Facebook
Christina Bailey
Kevin Wheeler
Andrew Eff
The Onion
The Onion
yesterday at 02:20. Facebook
Ben Sponaugle
Dylan Shook
Geoff Schwartz
The Onion
The Onion
yesterday at 01:29. Facebook
“And why is there a collage in the margins that has baby pictures of her and drawings of flowers? Seriously, should I be worried about his?”
And why is there a collage in the margins that has baby

Keira Knightley Answers Fan Letter Way Too Quickly

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Ron Blair
Mark F. Crist
Derek W. Ruttle
The Onion
The Onion
06/23/2017 at 23:47. Facebook
Jeannie Lynn Sinyard
Fred Torres
The Onion
The Onion
06/23/2017 at 22:56. Facebook
"The day it finally left a huge dent in the side panel of another vehicle and just tore out of the parking lot in under three seconds, that’s when we knew we were onto something."
The day it finally left a huge dent in the side panel

Engineers Unveil New Driverless Car Capable Of Committing Hit-And-Run

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Nick Mc
Jess Behrens
Brian Schools