The Onion
today at 03:30. Facebook
"Look, if I’m going to get into this complete stranger’s dirty van with tinted windows, then it needs to made worth my while."

Kid Not Getting In Strange Van For Anything Less Than King-Size Bar

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The Onion
today at 02:41. Facebook
The Onion
today at 01:52. Facebook
Tips For A Safe Spring Break
The Onion
today at 01:03. Facebook
Via The A.V. Club's Supper Club:
The Onion
today at 00:14. Facebook
"There’s really nowhere to sit other than the futon and a couple of stools, but honestly that’s probably plenty of seating for my college friends and my friends from work."

Man Sadly Realizes Cramped One-Bedroom Apartment Has Enough Space To Host Party With All His Friends

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The Onion
yesterday at 23:29. Facebook
Catch up on the week's 5 most essential stories as reported by America's Finest News Source
The Onion
yesterday at 22:44. Facebook
The Onion
yesterday at 22:03. Facebook
"I’ve worked with Cüneyt Arkin, and this guy’s no Cüneyt Arkin, okay? This asshole is a poor man’s Aytekin Akkaya—if that."

Turkish Actor Thinks He's Cüneyt Fucking Arkin

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The Onion
yesterday at 21:24. Facebook
The Onion
yesterday at 20:45. Facebook
The Onion - America's Finest News Source

Full-Time Mom Drunk On The Job

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The Onion
yesterday at 20:13. Facebook
How To Avoid Falling For Marketing Gimmicks
The Onion
yesterday at 19:33. Facebook
Sources confirmed that the well-coiffed sixth-grader, radiant in her JCPenney dress and borrowed Steve Madden heels, could easily have been mistaken for Audrey Hepburn.

12-Year-Old Who Got Her Hair Curled For Spring Dance The Very Image Of Old Hollywood Glamour

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The Onion
yesterday at 18:58. Facebook
The Onion
yesterday at 18:23. Facebook
Cancun: This picturesque locale's perfect climate and sandy beaches have been attracting the worst white people in the world since the 16th century.

Top 10 Spring Break Destinations

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The Onion
yesterday at 17:52. Facebook
"After the first few times I told him I couldn’t make it, I thought he’d take the hint and figure I just wasn’t interested, but he’s never stopped asking."

Friend Of Bruce Springsteen Has Been Thinking Of Excuses To Avoid Checking Out His Band For 50 Years

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The Onion
yesterday at 17:22. Facebook
The Onion
yesterday at 16:50. Facebook
“There! You hear it? It’s saying, ‘Kill the Vorblox, children. Kill the Vorblox, children.’ Damn, this is some spooky shit.”

Stoned Extraterrestrial Stumbles Across Hidden Message After Listening To Golden Record Backwards

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The Onion
yesterday at 16:19. Facebook
The year 2017 was the most inclusive one yet for both New York and London Fashion Week, with 12 trans models, 30 plus-size models, and 21 models over 50. What do you think?

Fashion Week Diversity Improving

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The Onion
yesterday at 15:52. Facebook
"Frankly, I just don’t see this having the legs to carry a feature film, a follow-up trilogy, a video game franchise, and then another prequel trilogy."

DC Executive Worried Batgirl Script Not Interesting Enough To Be Movie, 3 More Movies, 2028 Reboot And 4 More Movies

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The Onion
yesterday at 15:25. Facebook