The Onion
01/22/2017 at 20:29. Facebook
"I must do these foul deeds to free Papa, thinking only of his pained, spectral face slowly disappearing and reappearing behind that accursed, clouded lantern glass."

You Would Do The Same Thing If An Old Witch Had Your Father’s Soul Trapped In A Lantern

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The Onion
01/22/2017 at 19:42. Facebook
The Onion
01/22/2017 at 18:47. Facebook
One of Melania Trump's goal as First Lady: visit the White House every now and then.

Melania Trump’s Goals As First Lady

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The Onion
01/22/2017 at 17:57. Facebook
The president says the last thing he wants is to get stuck in some long, drawn-out conversation with the nation’s third of a billion residents about what’s been going on in their lives.

Obama Hoping He Doesn’t Run Into U.S. Populace After Presidency

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The Onion
01/22/2017 at 16:57. Facebook
Scroll through eight years of killer tuneage, mean machines, and shotgunning brewhas with Diamond Joe.

The President Of Vice: The Onion Looks Back At Two Terms With Diamond Joe Biden

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The Onion
01/22/2017 at 16:02. Facebook
“I can’t wait to get settled in and [be a complete and unrepentant asshole alongside pricks, bastards, and fuckers exactly like me].”

Asshole Moves To Part Of City Where All The Assholes Live

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The Onion
01/22/2017 at 15:07. Facebook
Scroll through 'The Onion’s’ complete coverage of the last 8 years of a Republican-controlled president.

Black Man Does 8 Years: The Onion’s Complete Coverage Of The Obama Presidency

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The Onion
01/22/2017 at 14:12. Facebook
“The red ones just looked so tasty, I couldn’t help myself. God, I scarfed down way too many tons of those things. What the hell was I thinking?”

Whale Regrets Eating 290,000 Plastic Poker Chips That Fell Off Container Ship

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The Onion
01/22/2017 at 03:53. Facebook
The Onion
01/22/2017 at 02:51. Facebook
"Listen, Uncle Joe is kind of behind the eight ball here, and in a couple days I won’t even have a pot to piss in."

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

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The Onion
01/22/2017 at 01:49. Facebook
Barack Obama: Change that's immediately changed back. 'The Onion' shares its comprehensive coverage of the Obama presidency.

Black Man Does 8 Years: The Onion’s Complete Coverage Of The Obama Presidency

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The Onion
01/22/2017 at 00:47. Facebook
"We encourage Americans to experiment with stretching their legs by strolling across their office and leaving all their responsibilities behind forever just one time to see how much better they feel."

Health Experts Recommend Standing Up At Desk, Leaving Office, Never Coming Back

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The Onion
yesterday at 23:45. Facebook
"Your putrid lifeless body and the putrid lifeless bodies of your loved ones will be well taken care of—that’s our party’s guarantee to you."

Republicans Vow Not To Repeal Obamacare Without Detailed Plan For Disposing Of Patients’ Disease-Ridden Corpses

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The Onion
yesterday at 22:43. Facebook
Looking back at eight years of Wilmington Slim's wild-ass, buck-fucking wild vice presidency.

The President Of Vice: The Onion Looks Back At Two Terms With Diamond Joe Biden

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The Onion
yesterday at 21:41. Facebook
"We’ve had such a difficult time staying afloat in the current media environment that we’re actually looking at bringing on board a full-time employee who has relevant skills and multiple years of experience in this line of work."

Struggling Media Company Almost Desperate Enough To Hire Someone Qualified For Job

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The Onion
yesterday at 19:37. Facebook
"Our nation owes a great deal to the brave activists and political organizers who will have to fight so hard for freedom and equal rights over the next four years."

Trump Honors Sacrifices Civil Rights Activists Will Have To Make Under His Presidency

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The Onion
yesterday at 18:35. Facebook
Looking back at eight years of Wilmington Slim's wild-ass, buck-fucking wild vice presidency.

The President Of Vice: The Onion Looks Back At Two Terms With Diamond Joe Biden

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The Onion
yesterday at 17:33. Facebook
"I can’t tell you how let down I feel by the heads of these households who did not simply give their wives and daughters a firm, decisive ‘no’ when they asked to participate in today’s demonstration."

Mike Pence Disappointed In The 200,000 Husbands And Fathers Who Permitted Women To Attend March

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The Onion
yesterday at 16:31. Facebook
“Aw shit, after today, I might never get another shot to whip an M80 into the Press Briefing Room again—end of an era, man, end of a goddamn era.”

Biden Sadly Realizes This Could Be Last Time He Throws Lit Firecracker Into Press Conference

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The Onion
yesterday at 15:29. Facebook
Barack Obama: Change that's immediately changed back. 'The Onion' shares its comprehensive coverage of the Obama presidency.

Black Man Does 8 Years: The Onion’s Complete Coverage Of The Obama Presidency

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