The Onion
02/19/2017 at 04:47. Facebook
"She’s extremely irritating, and I absolutely disagree with her political views, but I’ve got to hand it to her for maintaining a consistent seven-minute mile this whole time."

Paul Ryan Grudgingly Impressed By Angry Protester Who’s Matched His Running Pace For 9 Miles
The Onion
02/19/2017 at 03:35. Facebook
“I just played ‘Brown Eyed Girl,’ so I’ve got to mix it up. I’m going to play some slow stuff and then ‘The Electric Slide,’ but I’ll get to yours sometime after that, okay?”

Wedding DJ Assures Anxious Man He Hasn’t Forgotten ‘Build Me Up Buttercup’ Request
The Onion
02/19/2017 at 02:23. Facebook
The Onion
02/19/2017 at 01:11. Facebook
The Onion
yesterday at 23:59. Facebook
"Even when you don’t catch the squatters, you can see the hot plates, garbage, and sleeping bags in the hallways."

D.C. Authorities Struggling To Keep Squatters Out Of Empty State Department
The Onion
yesterday at 22:47. Facebook
Area man Greg Luger’s depressive disorder added that until now, it had spent its entire life actively trying to hide the fact that it suffers from Greg.

Mental Illness Determined Not To Let Stigma Of Area Man Define It
The Onion
yesterday at 21:35. Facebook
"I know my rights as an American, so you’d better believe I’m getting my hands on as many facts as possible and keeping them somewhere safe where this First Amendment–hating president of ours can’t snatch them all up."

Fearful Americans Stockpiling Facts Before Federal Government Comes To Take Them Away
The Onion
yesterday at 20:23. Facebook
"The Constitution is not a living document to be reinterpreted in light of new values, but one that was meant to be understood according to the opinion originally laid down by Justice Scalia."

Neil Gorsuch Vows To Interpret Constitution Using Scalia’s Original Intent
The Onion
yesterday at 19:11. Facebook
The Onion
yesterday at 17:59. Facebook
"The president tends to grow frustrated if crucial intelligence is not delivered within the first seven letters or so."

Officials Struggling To Condense Trump’s Intelligence Briefing Down To One Word - The Onion - America's Finest News Source
The Onion
yesterday at 16:47. Facebook
"There you go, buddy, just short, even strokes of the blade—be real careful not to press too hard or you’ll nick my skin."

Father Teaches Son How To Shave Him
The Onion
yesterday at 15:35. Facebook
“Today’s the day that I finally clean up my act and start taking the steps I need to better myself,” said the visibly intoxicated local alcoholic.

Alcoholic’s Plan For Turning Life Around Doesn’t Involve Getting Sober
The Onion
yesterday at 14:23. Facebook
The Onion
yesterday at 05:59. Facebook
“Wooooo!” shouted local man Brent Williams in pure elation, less than 24 hours before he will reportedly struggle to make eye contact while apologizing to friends.

Man Having A Great Time Will Soon Have To Apologize To Everyone
The Onion
yesterday at 04:20. Facebook
The Onion
yesterday at 03:41. Facebook
"I’ll probably reveal my occasional stubbornness and impatience to her right off the bat, just to get those out of the way."

Man Has Carefully Calculated Timeline For Revealing Negative Personality Traits To New Girlfriend
The Onion
yesterday at 03:02. Facebook
Via The A.V. Club's Supper Club:

Is soup a meal?
The Onion
yesterday at 02:23. Facebook
"Because the duration varies from person to person, we felt it was only fair to grant inmates 45 minutes per week during which family members and friends can spend time with them in the execution chamber."

Prison Now Allowing Death Row Inmates To Receive Weekly Visitors Throughout Executions
The Onion
yesterday at 01:44. Facebook
In today's news: A Mar-A-Lago member, a successful employee, and Michael Flynn
The Onion
yesterday at 01:05. Facebook
Via our in-house creative studio, Onion Labs:

Jack has been hacked! See what secrets we found.