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The Onion
today at 04:28. Facebook
The Onion
today at 03:46. Facebook
The Onion
today at 03:06. Facebook
During routine trials, subjects who imbibed five glasses or more showed a remarkable increase in specific mental functions, such as the ability to recall every time their mothers had been unsupportive of their boyfriends or husbands.

Study Finds Link Between Red Wine, Letting Mother Know What You Really Think

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The Onion
today at 02:24. Facebook
"There is simply no better way to attract and retain customers than giving away a product that is exactly like the one you’re trying to sell, only littler."

Report: Most Effective Marketing Technique Still Giving Out Little Versions Of Product

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The Onion
today at 01:49. Facebook
The Onion
today at 01:14. Facebook
"Considering he already comprehends harsh realities that many people spend their entire fleeting, shallow existences attempting to deny, Baby Nathan is quite the little miracle!"

Newborn Loses Faith In Humanity After Record 6 Days

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The Onion
today at 00:39. Facebook
In today's news: Netflix, Jerry Sandusky, and a broken ornament
The Onion
today at 00:05. Facebook
Tips For Managing Student Debt
The Onion
yesterday at 23:36. Facebook
The Army Corps of Engineers has decided to halt the construction of the Dakota Access Pipeline through Native American territory, a victory for the tribes and protesters who spent months fighting the proposal.

Dakota Access Pipeline Blocked

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The Onion
yesterday at 23:04. Facebook
5 Things To Know About ‘Pizzagate’
The Onion
yesterday at 22:36. Facebook
Via our in-house creative studio, Onion Labs:
The Onion
yesterday at 21:59. Facebook
The Onion
yesterday at 21:24. Facebook
The Onion
yesterday at 20:49. Facebook
The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

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The Onion
yesterday at 20:14. Facebook
The Onion
yesterday at 19:39. Facebook
“Grab on, kid!” said Secretary of State John Kerry, flinging the makeshift lifeline he had hacked off a tree with his machete to the rapidly sinking boy.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

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The Onion
yesterday at 19:05. Facebook
Via our in-house creative studio, Onion Labs:
The Onion
yesterday at 18:31. Facebook
"Oh God, they probably had multiple dogs on set too, so if one got burned, they could just swap in another. Ugh, this is stressful to watch."

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

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The Onion
yesterday at 17:54. Facebook
Sometimes you have to be your own fucking Santa Claus. Buy an Onion shirt today.

The Onion | Official Store

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The Onion
yesterday at 17:19. Facebook
Calling it a “commitment to equity,” the Obama administration has announced it supports requiring women to register for a military draft as men do.

White House Supports Military Draft Registration For Women

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